I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
