Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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