did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
