if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
