On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Randomize
