apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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