You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
