Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
