corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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