i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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