Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
