If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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