I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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