we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
