I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
