I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
