i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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