You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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