why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
