When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
It's blow job season.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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