And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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