my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
