Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize