Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
