i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
