If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's shark week go big or go home
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
