I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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