you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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