We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
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