seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
