I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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