He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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