You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
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It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
you never un-have a 4some
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation