i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.