I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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