I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
