I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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