i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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