i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I smell like Dick and happiness
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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