so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
