The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It's rum buckets o'clock
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
