the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
