We should be called the Road Head Warriors
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I woke up under a house in Key West
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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