im having a threesome with these popsicles
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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