Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
