If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I'm having to shit out rocks
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
