You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
