I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
