My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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