Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
