just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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