can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
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