I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize