she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
