She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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