On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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