I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
