I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
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This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
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In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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