I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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