**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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