I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
