Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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