a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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